


Omega

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 07:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Jade





	Omega

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimers: Xena: Warrior Princess and company belong to MCA/Universal. No monetary profit is being made nor will it ever be.
> 
> Spoilers: Season 5 -- Chakram.
> 
> Sailor Warning: (!!!!) Curse words have just come into port. Make yourself look pretty now.
> 
> Sex: No. (I just lost three quarters of you)
> 
> Violence: Nothing explicit.
> 
> Parody: This is one!

_I really don't want to do this. I know I'm pure, but the purest monk in the order? I have nudie scrolls. I'm toast for sure,_ Brother Caleb thought as he walked down the aisle of the dead. Previous applicants for the position of chakram of light grabbers. _This is so not fair. Not only that but I'm going to die in yellow. This robe is so last season._

Trying not to look at all of the skeletons lining the walkway, he stared straight ahead of him until he reached the yin yang podium. The dark half's chakram was missing. Why Kal wanted the chakram of light wasn't clear. At the very least he could've given him an explanation. Though why would he give him an explanation when he hadn't even given him a choice? "Would you rather die where you stand?" were Kal's exact words. _Um, not likely._

He gulped, then hesitantly moved to grab the chakram of light. His hand reached out so slowly he reminded himself of his geriatric grandfather trying to open a flask of prune juice. _I'm going to die. I'm going to haunt Kal's shabby temple. Or at the very least I'll turn into a pile of ashes and some beautiful chick can walk on me. That's more action than I've gotten in the last few years._

Finally he had the chakram in his hand. He lifted it up, amazed and delighted when it didn't do anything. Small sparks of pink light began to dance around the chakram like Amazons around a campfire, and his instant happiness turned into instant dread. A moment later he was screaming. _I knew I should've become a healer. Damn my father for swaying me!_ were his last thoughts as Brother Caleb burned, then exploded to land in a small pile of ash on the temple floor. The chakram of light, previously in his hand, now laid inanimate in its original spot over the small beveled circle on the light half of the podium.

* * *

Joxer had never been so happy in his entire life. Well, except when Jett moved away and his thirty daily wedgies were lessened to ten by Jace. Xena and Gabrielle were back from the dead. Eli had chanted some magic words over their dead bodies while playing with their hair and boom, they were alive! He admitted he half expected the man to yell, "They're ALIVE. ALIIIiiiiiiveeeeee! Bwhahahahaha!" and was almost disappointed when it never happened. And now Gabrielle was glaring at him like she usually did, and Xena looked as though her mind was a million miles away. Also not unusual! It was _SO_ good to have them back.

He risked getting bitten by the bard when he touched her face, and said, "I can't believe you're here."

"Joxer, I just died. Get the Hell, Yes HELL, away from me and we'll discuss this later as I kick you or something," Gabrielle said.

He gave her a toothy smile. "Yea!"

He was about to leave when she stopped him. "How much money do you have?"

"Sixty dinars and two gold pieces. Why?"

"Because later you're going to buy us some new clothes and something to eat."

"Kay."

Gabrielle was lost in her memories of Heaven and Hell. She didn't know where she got the name Heaven, because she didn't remember it ever being mentioned. But Hell sure had. Callisto had made a cute demon. She shuddered as she remembered just moments before Eli had played with their hair and chanted nursery rhymes Xena had been about to throw her over a cliff. Then Michael for some reason decided it was perfectly natural to push them both off even though he didn't have wings. What would that have accomplished? _He must've been possessive. Didn't want Xena to be all alone with me in Hell._

Amarice walked into the Temple. Where she had been before, no one knew. She was holding Xena's broken chakram in her hands.

"I wanted to give you this. I saved it for you. Actually, I saved it for myself as a souvenir along with just bunches of your hair. I didn't think you'd mind. I was going to wait a few years--let it all collect their worth, and then a nice solid auction at Salmoneus' dead celebrities event. I would've raked in hundreds of thousands of dinars." At Xena's look of confusion Amarice muttered, "I have revealed too much. Here ya go."

Xena took the metal pieces from Amarice's hands and stared at them. She could hear Gabrielle talking in her ear as she always did, and that comforted her. She was saying something about getting the metal pieces fixed. _Why on earth did Amarice hand me two chunks of broken metal?_ She stuck the two pieces of metal together, happy when she made an Omega with them. "Look Gabrielle. I made an Omega."

"Uh, Xena. Your chakram..."

"Chakram? What the Hell is that? This is my happy little O for Omega."

"You don't know what your chakram is?"

"Do you have a cold? I don't like that word. It sounds foreign. Did you buy this someplace foreign? You're taking away good jobs from Greek Smithies!"

"I don't know where it came from," Gabrielle answered honestly.

"Well from now on don't call it a chakram. Call it my Omega. I swear to all the Gods and that one that was lurking around up there in the Light that I'll kick your ass should you dare to call these chunks of metal a 'chakram' again. Got it, Chickadee?" Xena asked.

"Uh, yeah..." Gabrielle trailed off as she searched the room for Eli. He walked in a moment later. "Eli, you fucked up."

Eli began to sob. "I always fuck up. I'm never good enough. You made me say 'fuck up'. I've never said that word in my life." Tears streamed down the devi's face.

"Gods shut up! Xena's not 'right in the head' if you get my drift."

"What are you trying to say, Your Holy Shortness?" Xena asked caustically.

"Xena, how are you feeling?" Eli inquired. "Feeling okay? Remember Caesar?"

"Um, no," she said.

"Alti?" Gabrielle asked.

"No."

"How do you feel?" Eli asked her again.

"I feel empty. Like I'm missing a part of myself. I blame Amarice. She took some of my hair!" Xena whined.

"Okay, my selfish tendencies are getting the best of me. I want clothes, now. Then we'll discuss Xena's problem. C'mon. Shopping," Gabrielle said, grabbing Joxer by the collar of his weave shirt. "Bring your money, dummy."

***

Xena stared at herself in the mirror. _Yeah this red is really good on me, but for some reason I think the seamstress didn't know what I meant by 'form-fitting'._ She glanced at Gabrielle when Joxer's wolf-whistle alerted her to her friend's presence. _Hello Ms. Hooker of Greece. Who picked that outfit, Meg? Wait, who's Meg and where do I know her from? My gods I hope I didn't sleep with her. We could be related!_

Gabrielle grumbled and flipped a pair of sai up and down in her hands. She happened to like her outfit, even if Xena was looking at her like she was a weirdho. The H silent of course. Joxer certainly seemed to like it. Even if he was a clumsy oaf his appreciation of her firm abs made her appreciate him. After all, if she couldn't hit him she wouldn't get her work out and her abs might not be as rock hard as they were. _What is with Xena's outfit? Did the seamstress not know what form-fitting means?_

Handing the sai to Xena, she waited for a response.

"You'd better ask Joxer if you can buy those. He's the only one with any money. He already told me he'd buy me lobster tonight. Isn't he sweet?"

"These aren't for me, they're for you," Gabrielle informed her.

"Yeah sure. What am I going to do? Pick my nose with them?"

"Or you could pick my nose with them," a nearby thug offered right before a thug band of five charged them.

The nearest thug to Xena slapped her, hard, making her fall to the ground with the pain of the unexpected attack. Her mind went foggy for a moment, and the next thing she knew Gabrielle's sai was through his nostril. She didn't remember how it happened, or that she was the one that did it.

"What the Hell was that?" Gabrielle asked, a bit disgusted by the display.

"Don't ask me, you're the one that did it," Xena said.

"I did not! You did."

"Well he said I could pick his nose with it. If he didn't mean it then he shouldn't have offered."

"We need to get out of here."

Joxer immediately caused a distraction by taking off his pants and walking around in a skin tight loincloth. Amarice gagged, but helped Gabrielle pull Xena towards an alley. Joxer followed, the thugs' eyes all firmly glued to his pasty white behind firmly incased in his tiger loincloth. Before the thugs knew what hit them Xena had pulled a lever. The lever made a large iron fence fall to the ground, making the thugs unable to reach them.

"Kal will have you, Xena!" One of the thugs yelled.

"And maybe you too, Joxer," was said by another of the thugs, promptly followed by the same wolf-whistle that Joxer had used when he saw Gabrielle.

Joxer strutted a bit, then did his brother Jace's famous "stomp". "Kal wishes! Hmph!"

***

When they came back Xena once again informed them that she felt empty, like she missing part of herself. Because Amarice refused to give Xena back all the hair she stole from her, Eli came up with the only possible solution.

"We're going to see an old friend of mine," he said.

"Does he have some of my hair, too?" Xena asked innocently. "Because I sure would like to know who's been playing with my hair lately. I'm really sick of it. You die and suddenly everyone's on ya making fricken french braids and dove tails."

"Well if you were a little more cooperative during our slumber parties then I wouldn't have had to resort to that!" Amarice said.

"You guys have slumber parties without me?" Joxer asked, doing his best to look pitiful.

Xena gave him a cold stare. "Don't ask me, I can't remember shit."

Joxer turned his look on Gabrielle. "Yes Joxer, occasionally we have a slumber party and we don't invite you."

"But I bet Eli gets invited," he accused.

"Of course," Gabrielle said matter-of-factly. "Eli can levitate. It's really cool when we play 'witches' to actually have one of us floating in the air."

"And look at his hair. Talk about a braid fest!" Amarice added.

The five of them set out to see Eli's friend.

"Who's your friend?" Amarice asked Eli, aggravated with the entire situation.

"He's just this really cool dude I know. You'll love him," Eli told her.

"Does he have hair like yours?"

"No. Unfortunately he's bald."

"Then I hate him."

"Hate is a strong word, Amarice," Eli cautioned her.

"Bald equates hate," she said simply with a shrug of her shoulders. She sped up her walk to reach Xena and Gabrielle, leaving Joxer alone with Eli.

"Say, Eli. You're like this 'love dude' and well, I sorta love Gabrielle and --"

Eli interrupted him, "--not a chance, Joxer. Keep it simple and she'll still like you enough to punch you every day. You tell her anything and she'll stop punching you. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

Joxer looked horrified. "Never!" He patted Eli affectionately on the shoulder. "Thanks man."

"No problem," Eli said.

Xena pouted petulantly. "Gabrielle, I don't believe I'm capable of killing."

"Xena. Thug--sai--nostril. Did you just forget that?" Gabrielle asked her, exasperated.

"I didn't kill that thug. Joxer, tell me about that time you saved me from Ulysses by dancing on the ship in your loincloth again. I like that story."

"If you want good stories about yourself Xena, ask Eli," Joxer said.

"Hey I'm the bard," Gabrielle said indignantly.

"Well what are you waiting for? Tell her a fricken story for Gaea's sake," Amarice said.

"I don't want to."

"Bitch!" Xena said.

"Did you just call me a bitch?"

"I don't know? I can't remember. Did I?"

"I'm going hunting," Amarice said suddenly.

"Bring Xena with you," Eli said. At Amarice's look he added, "Or you'll never braid this lovely mop of hair again."

"Fine. But I don't like your tactics. Let's go, Crazy."

Xena looked at her blankly, then followed the young Amazon into the forest.

They walked a while in companionable silence. When they reached a part of the forest where trees no longer bore Gabrielle's "X" mark of death, a man in armor appeared with another man in armor behind him. Xena thought the man with the face mask was kind of funny, but wisely chose not to laugh.

Amarice fought them off as best she could, but even she wasn't a match for the bird guy and his masked friend.

"What do you want?" Xena asked them.

"Come with me, stay quiet, and I won't kill your friend," Kal said.

"Whatever, let's go. And she's not my friend. The skank stole some of my hair."

She walked off with the masked man, being sure to keep an eye on him. You never know when someone will make off with some of your hair.

Amarice tried to save Xena again, but Kal turned around and blew the worst case of bad breath in her face that she had ever encountered. "Ugh, dude, buy some mints!" she said before collapsing to the ground in a dead faint.

It was dark out, and they were sleeping when Gabrielle finally realized something. "Shit! They never did come back from hunting!" She slapped her forehead and poked Eli with a stick. "Wake up! We have to find them."

Eli mumbled, flipped her off, and turned his back to her. She poked him again. "C'mon! We have to find them." Eli snored loudly, but lifted his hand in his sleep to flip her off yet again. "We have to find them," she said again.

She tried poking Joxer. "Dummy, wake up! We have to find them."

Joxer grabbed her stick and threw it back at her. "It's been a while. They're probably dead already," Joxer said.

"Get up. Get up!" she yelled. Getting up from her bedroll she kicked them both, hard. "Get up now!"

"I'm up! I'm up!" Joxer said.

"It's not polite to kick a devi!" Eli said, getting up. "Can't we just look for them in the morning?"

At Gabrielle's glare, he decided to stay silent.

The three of them ventured out in to the forest. Gabrielle spotted what looked like boot prints, and followed them. "They were definitely here." She stopped tracking a moment, and took out a piece of charcoal. She casually marked an "X" on a young sapling. "Marked for death!" she whispered to herself.

"Why do you keep writing on trees?" Joxer asked her, noticing it for the first time.

"Because all trees must DIE, Joxer. DIE!"

Joxer laughed nervously. "Um, 'kay."

"We have to go save Xena," Eli said.

"Sure. Oh hey, look, Amarice!" Gabrielle held out her hand, helping the young Amazon up from the ground. "Were you drinking on the job again?" she asked her.

Amarice held her head in her hands. "No, and that's Xena in case you haven't been paying attention. She's the drunk, you're the psychotic freak, Eli's the hippie and Joxer's the comic relief!"

"What are you?" Gabrielle asked.

"I'm eye-candy!"

"But I thought I was eye-candy!"

"You both are so wrong," Joxer said stripping to his loincloth again, "I'm the only eye-candy on here, baby."

"Anyway," Amarice said, looking away from Joxer's gyrating hips, "Kal blew some bad breath in my face and I've been totally out since then."

"Great, so we need to find wherever he hangs out."

"Shouldn't be hard. Follow the stench." Amarice rubbed her temples. "Ugh. I haven't smelled such bad breath since that night you ate that garlic bread."

"Hey!" Gabrielle snorted. "Yeah you're right. It was pretty bad. Forget it."

* * *

Xena stood in Kal's temple, staring at the odd decorations. "This place is kind of shabby, huh?"

 _Ooh, ya hit a sore spot, Xe,_ she thought as she looked at the infuriated God's face. Somehow she couldn't stop herself from adding on to her previous statement. "You really should hire someone to come in here every once in a while and do some minimal labor. You know, sweeping would be a lovely thing." She sneezed. "See?"

"Be quiet, stay sweet, and I won't kill you," Kal said.

"You're not going to kill me, anyway. You need me," she said with a smug smile. "I'm not sure why you need me, but I know you do. And brush your teeth for gods'sakes. I haven't smelled such bad breath since Gabrielle mowed down that garlic bread at a festival in Athens."

_How did I remember that killer breath, and not the rest of my life? Must've been SOME breath._

Just then another big huge hunk of gothic god of war appeared. She had a feeling in her gut that just screamed that she knew him, but she didn't know _how_ she knew him.

"What's a sweet girl like you doing in manacles like those?" the hunk of God asked her.

"Kal said it was the only way he could get women to follow him to his temple," she replied honestly.

Ares laughed, the sound of it making a sweet feeling shoot from her head to her feet. It was the same feeling she had this morning when she accidentally ate one of Gabrielle's quills instead of the oatmeal she had been handed. That had felt _sweet_. Gabrielle hadn't thought so though.

As quickly as Kal had placed her in the chains, the familiar God took them off. Then their attention went to one another. She watched as they stabbed each other with sharp weapons, but her interest in the fight didn't hold, and she found the wall decorations much more pleasing to the eye.

Tracing a circular pattern she found on the wall with her finger, she sighed. It looked like the half pieces of metal Amarice had given her earlier in the day. Suddenly she had a flashback:

\--Gabrielle chopping off a fish's head with the metal disk, making its normal shine just disappear!--

\--Gabrielle scratching her fungus coated back with it; a look of pure ecstasy on her face while she screamed in delight.--

That image made that sweet feeling she had when Ares laughed come back. She shook her head trying to clear her mind so she could see more flashbacks.

\--Gabrielle trading her whip for a frying pan.--

Xena had no idea what relevance the whip had to the broken bits of metal, but she knew that memory enraged her just as much as the other two had. When she got back to camp, she and 'Gabrielle' if indeed that was her real name, would be having a little 'talk' about the metal bits!

She sneaked a peek at the war gods to see if they were still firmly involved in mutilating one another, then jumped out the window and ran into the forest.

***

Joxer looked at the temple looming on the horizon. "Uh, we need a plan. And it's not going to be me enticing the guards with my dimpled bottom."

"You don't need a plan, Joxer. I got myself out of the temple. I'm self-reliant," Xena said. "Thank the gods for small miracles! Otherwise, I'd still be in Kal's temple until next Solstice while you all discussed 'a plan'." Eli looked heart-broken. "Oops, except you Eli. I have total trust in the fact that you would've ran away to find one of your friends to help me. Thanks so much."

Xena scowled at her so-called 'friends', who still hadn't said a word since her appearance. "Can we go now?"

***

Amarice was glad that Brother Caleb's house wasn't that far. It would've really sucked if they had to travel to Persia to find him. She was all for walking, but even she had limits.

Gabrielle snorted at Brother Caleb's house. It was a shack. And for being all peaceful, ascetic, and the purest monk in the order, he still had a giant crossbow triggered to hit unwelcome guests. A small sign mounted on the door said, "Private Property. Trespass and you will be shot. It will not affect my purest monk in the order status, and you will be dead. Especially you, Apollo Witnesses. Do I believe in the Sun God this, m'kay?"

Eli laughed when he read the sign. "He's such a kidder." Ignoring the warning he pushed the door open.

Xena caught the cross bow bolt before it went through Joxer's head. Gabrielle gave her an annoyed look. Xena hugged Joxer, and gave Gabrielle the same look she continued to give her. _Why does she look upset that I caught that arrow? I didn't want to catch it. It's a reflex. Besides, I like Joxie._

Entering the shack, Xena covered her nose. _Pure monk smell, eeew!_ A small sign was mounted on a wooden table top. It said, "If you made it this far, I hate you! Hate you! And if it's you Eli, the nudie scrolls are under the archaic scrolls under my mattress. Love you, dude."

Xena immediately found Brother Caleb's bed and searched under the mattress. With a victorious smile she pulled out the scrolls. Handing the archaic ones to Eli she said, "Brother Caleb said to give you these."

Gabrielle watched Xena search under Brother Caleb's mattress for Eli's reserved nudie scrolls. She hated when Xena lost her dark side and acted like she did when she was drunk. It just wasn't right unless mead was the cause. _I wonder what kind of porn a monk has stashed._

Eli stared at the archaic scrolls wanting nothing more than to strangle Xena in a fit of rage. In a way, he realized, it really sucked that the Way of Love was his Way, and unlike Gabrielle he just couldn't go off on everyone and kill them. Or could he? No, it wouldn't be good press in the homeland when they find out their 'Devi' has killed three women and a bumbling idiot over some nudie parchment. Perhaps later he could get Xena to share them with him. She had always been kind to him, hugging him and all. Observing her over the last few months (especially those extra special months before she and Gabrielle had cheesed it), he realized she didn't let just ANYONE hug her, and she most certainly never reached out for a hug herself. And yet she had reached out for a hug from him on numerous occasions. _It's gotta be my beard. All the chicks dig it. And Xena goes for guys with the face hair. I bet if Joxer could grow more than one or two she'd be all over him._

Amarice was careful to make sure there wasn't anything on an old rickety chair, before sitting down on it. She observed Eli's silent fit of rage as Xena handed him archaic scrolls, and watched Gabrielle as she watched Xena, strangely enough the bard's eyes never left Xena's chest except at the last moment when her eyebrow arched in a thoughtful expression. _She must be wondering what kind of porn a monk has._ She let her gaze wander until it rested on Joxer, trying not to stare too long as it always gave her a headache. The warrior wannabe was strangely enough, absorbed in the archaic scrolls that Eli had handed him after realizing they were junk.

Eli stood around Caleb's house for a moment, wondering what it was he was supposed to be remembering. "Oh, hey, that's weird, Caleb is always here! Where is he?"

"Caleb, Caleb, Caleb. Why does that name sound familiar? Oooh yeah. Kal said the pure dude's dead, Eli. Sorry. But think of this objectively, maybe they'll spread his ashes in the river and he'll be sold as Mountain Pure Monk Water. Wouldn't that be fantastic?" Xena asked.

Eli opened and closed his mouth in shock, then said, "No, that wouldn't be good. Are you sure he's dead? I just can't believe that he's dead. He was never really 'alive' to begin with. He was a monk damn it! Monk's don't have lives!"

Amarice snored, woke herself up, and almost fell backward in her chair. "Well, while we're here, why don't we make ourselves at home? The outside looks like Kal's temple, but inside it's fantastic!"

"Yes sure, let's use the dead guy's stuff," Eli said sarcastically.

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah that sounds like a good idea. Seriously." She fingered a sai and waited for Eli to fight her on the issue.

Eli sighed and stood aside. "Hey, a fight with you would mean cold blooded murder and I don't want anyone but a God of War to kill me--ever."

"Good plan," Gabrielle replied, motioning everyone to the kitchen.

Xena ignored Gabrielle's motion towards the Brother Caleb's kitchen, know the purest monk in the order probably only ate gruel, and instead went to take a bath.

The water took forever to heat up, so she ended up only having luke warm water, but it was better than freezing. She was already soaking in the tub when she heard Joxer mumbling his apologies to her for barging in.

"It's all right Joxer."

Joxer stood with his back to the sheer curtain that blew gently in the breeze between Xena in the tub and him. He gulped. "Xena, you know how I feel about Gabrielle?"

"Yes. She uses you for a punching bag and you love it."

"Yeah, um, how should I tell her I love it?"

"Punch her back," Xena said flatly.

"Thanks Xena, that's good advice right there," Joxer said leaving.

Xena, not knowing he was gone yet, said, "Or you could just kill the girl."

The form behind the sheer curtain changed in an instant. A hulking muscular figure now stood where Joxer stood only moments before. Ares pushed back the curtain and said, "Interesting offer. Would you mind it terribly if I killed her?"

"I know you! You're the one that freed me in Kal's temple," Xena said.

"Yes that was me."

"Where else do I know you from?"

"Oh, you know ... around," Ares said, unwilling to reveal too much until he knew just how much she had forgotten. "Want a free massage from a guy you don't even know?"

"That sounds just peachy!" Xena said. "Don't touch my hair though or I'll stick a sai right through your fucking nostril!" She looked at his face as she said that, noting that the God seemed excited by her words, rather than disgusted. Interesting!

As he walked around the tub to get to her she said, "And could you get me a cup of wine? I'm thirsty."

He made a wine goblet appear and handed it to her. He placed his fingers on her shoulders and slowly began to rub.

Xena frowned. That tingly feeling was back. Where the Tartarus was that coming from?

"Yeah anyway, Xena, you and I were meant to be together. We should conquer all of the villages in the known world, plunder them, kill all the livestock, and the old people, make sure we burn the crops, and spend at least two weeks on a romantic get-a-way vacation to the memorial at the Battle of Torrence sight. What do you think? We'll be soooo bad!"

"Bad?"

"Oh yeah, that's right, you don't know what bad is anymore." Ares growled deep in his throat. While he was enjoying his time with Xena, even without her dark memories he just knew Gabrielle would come in and ruin it. The blond always had bad timing.

Xena stood up and turned around.

 _Sweet Hera!_ he thought, unable to tear his eyes from her naked form.

"I know those words, I know their meaning, but they don't connect," she tapped her chest lightly indicating her heart, "here."

 _Xena, you are so not helping here._ He leaned in to kiss her, regardless of what she didn't feel "there", and almost baked Gabrielle when she walked into the room. And he only would've had to cook her half-way because she was always half-baked.

"Xena, I ---" Gabrielle stopped short and stared at Ares. Ares standing behind a very naked Xena. _I'm going to pluck every one of his goatee hairs one by one until he says 'uncle'._ "What are you doing here?"

"What a guy can't visit a chick taking a bath without the third degree these days? What's wrong with you people?!" Ares said, leaving in a blinding display of light and energy.

"He was teaching me about being bad," Xena said innocently.

"I'm sure he was," Gabrielle said. "Xena, do you remember anything about 'us'?"

"Um, I'm still not sure if you're who you say you are so stop looking at me like you want to devour me. You're just as bad as he is!" Xena said, grabbing a towel and trying her best to look modest.

"I'm sick of you!" Gabrielle said leaving so Xena could have some privacy.

***

The atmosphere around Xena and Gabrielle was tense, thick, and overwhelming. A description that Gabrielle wouldn't like in the least, as it described Ares perfectly.

Eli itched his beard, frowning when he pulled a hardened chunk of left-over gruel out of the bushy growth. At least, he hoped it was gruel. "Xena, Gabrielle, we need to get the chakram of the light. I've been reading these archaic scrolls and apparently we need to fuse the two disks together, again, again, deeper, deeper, yah, harder oh wait, sorry, I've also been reading the nudie scrolls too. Sorry." He looked at them sheepishly, then continued, "So, we get the chakram, and we'll get Xena back."

"You say that as though I'm not even here," Xena said defensively. "You make a good chair, Joxer," she said reclining slightly to get more comfortable.

"I know, Xena baby, I know."

"Xena I said you could sit on me," Gabrielle whined.

"I am fully aware of that, Gabrielle," Xena said. "So we get this chakram back and I'll remember everything, including my sexual relationship with Gabrielle, Amarice, Eli and Ares?" She noticed the crestfallen looks on all of their faces. "I'm sorry, did some of you not know about the others? My bad. I'm going to go and pray now. Maybe I'll be forgiven or something."

She walked out of the shack and walked towards the temple that Eli had resurrected them in. It wasn't that far away, thankfully. Just a few footsteps, skips, and runs away from Brother Caleb's digs.

She stood on the balcony and started to pray. "Hey, dude? The one that brought me back? Yeah, you. I don't know what or who I'm supposed to be doing. Do you? Help me. Send me a sign. And while we're at it, I wouldn't mind winning the Corinth lottery, too, 'kay? Cool. Xena out."

Gabrielle, listening to Xena's prayer, butted in, "--That Corinth lottery sounds fantastic. Vote me in for that one, too!"

Together the bard, if that's truly what she was, and Xena, if that's truly who she was, walked back to Brother Caleb's shack. Meeting up with Eli, Amarice and Joxer, they journeyed quickly to the Temple that housed the other omega Xena needed to get. She still refused to allow any of them to call it a chakram except for Eli, who she said could call it anything as long as he'd continue levitating for her in any position she wanted him to.

Gabrielle and Amarice infiltrated the temple that housed the 'chakram of light' stealthily. Actually, Gabrielle just wiped out all of Kal's soldiers, including the masked dude, by pretending that they were all trees, in dire need of being cut down. Die tree, die!

Gabrielle rushed Xena into the temple while they fought off even more soldiers.

Xena cautiously advanced up the aisle of ashes and bones. _By Hera's biggest peacock feather, it looks like a village I conquered in here!_ She stepped over a pile of ash that could only be Brother Caleb, as Eli had told her the man had been wearing an unfashionable yellow robe, and bits of yellow were sticking out of the ash as though they were waving to surrender. _Well at least he got walked over by me! What more could a dead guy wish for?_

She stood over the yin yang podium, all too aware of all the dead guys around her. She picked it up and waited to be obliterated. _Damn it, I should've listened to mother when she told me to become a seamstress. Now they tell me I'm a warrior. For all I know, I could've been a bar maid. I _don't_like_them!_ She sighed in relief when she didn't explode into a pile of dust, and ran outside to the front of the temple.

Her friends were surrounded and she was their only hope. She raised the chakram, angry that she was now referring to it as a chakram instead of an omega like she had before, and laughed in her head as even the gods stepped back a pace. _Heh, oh shit, wait, this stupid thing can kill a god. They're not afraid of me, they're afraid of it. I feel strangely gypped._

She threw the piece of metal on the dirty stairs. "I can't do it! I can't kill. At least, not at this moment. I could _really_ go for a mead right now." She walked back into the temple, and almost got trampled as her friends ran in behind her.

Amarice, a bit higher in the brain cell department, grabbed the chakram off of the dirty stairs before she ran inside.

"Remember Xena, if you put both chakrams together, you'll be you again!" Eli said.

"I just want a mead. Do any of you people have a mead?"

Amarice rolled her eyes. "I have the broken bits of chakram. Here," she threw them at Xena, "I know you threw them in the trash that day I gave them to you, so I picked it. Big deal."

Xena chortled at the thought of Amarice going through the trash, then placed both metal pieces on the empty side of the podium. A pink power flashed all around it, and before anyone could blink the chakram was whole again. Amazed by the power, Xena squealed out, "Again! Again! Gabrielle break one of your sais and stick it on there, sister."

"Not a chance," Gabrielle replied, using one of her sais to clean her finger nails.

Soldiers began to pound on the door, and Joxer decided he _had_ to tell Gabrielle now. "Gabrielle, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Gabrielle stopped cleaning her nails to stare at him. He wanted to talk to her? She hated when he talked to her. "What? And make it snappy, we don't have all day here."

"When you punch me, Gabby, it's like the whole world crumbles around me like Atlas dropped it so he could itch his butt. I love it when you punch me. I would be so happy if you would punch me every day for the rest of our lives."

Gabrielle, speechless by the beautiful words, looked at him blankly and said, "Oh, that's nice. Sure."

Ares' voice rose up from outside the temple. "Xena, I can save your little friends or not! It's up to you. But come out of there and come and kill something with me! It doesn't matter what it is! An ant, a possum. We can poke at road kill and laugh like old times! Oh yeah, I want that chakram too!"

The temple was suddenly filled to the brim with soldiers. Kal and Gabrielle started fighting, but Gabrielle only stabbed him a few times, and Kal wasn't in the mood to play 'I make a hole in you, you make a hole in me', so he raised his sword, and aimed for the kill.

Xena reacted instinctively, drawing on some kind of force she hadn't even known existed to kill Kal and save her little bardopolis. She almost puked as she thought the word, 'bardopolis', but she nonetheless offed Kal, and watched as he disintegrated into nothingness.

She shifted her aim to hold the chakram on Ares.

"Hey! You don't want to kill me. Do you?" he asked, not at all happy to be on the receiving end of Xena's chakram. Especially one that could kill him.

She nodded her head 'no.' Who would? He gave fantastic massages, and some day she knew, even if it was after Gabrielle kicked it, she and Ares would be staring at road kill and laughing together again.

She reached out for the other chakram, and fused it with the other one, making one super-duper chakram. The magic power momentarily blinded everyone, but in the blink of an eye she was back. She looked around the room, and growled. "Who the Hell let me walk around in this gods awful atrocity for two days?" she asked, looking at the dress she was wearing.

Joxer surreptitiously pointed at Gabrielle, and ran to the back of the temple.

Another large fight broke out, and Xena kicked all their asses with over-zealous glee. It was GOOD to be back.

Ares was about to push Eli aside and join the fighting, but as a terrible 'devi smell' wafted up to his nostrils, so he gave him a look and dropped his hand.

Noticing that the fight was over, he decided to ask his favorite a question. "Why balance the power, Xena? Why?"

_Hmm, didn't mean to make that sound quite so whiny._

"I don't need that kind of power. No one does."

"'Kay. Well, I'll catch you around the Acropolis." He spared a glance at Gabrielle. "Actually, you know when my birthday is. I expect you at any one of my temples and bring the good wine. I hate when you buy cheap." And with those words, he disappeared into thin air.

***

Xena patted Eli on the back. "Bye. I'll expect you at one of our sleep-overs soon."

"Of course," Eli said.

Joxer gulped. "Um, Gab. What I said..."

'What he said.' She grinned sadistically, and then she punched him. "Yeah, just don't expect it every day Joxer."

Joxer, doubled over, held his stomach. "Thanks Gabby!"

Xena fingered her new chakram idly. "Gab, I asked for a sign and you showed up."

"You think our chances at the Corinth lottery are good?"

"I think MY chances at the Corinth lottery are good. If I win, I'm off for Spamona and you're not invited."

"Xena, that's not funny," Gabrielle said watching Xena walk away. "It's not--" she sighed, "You better be kidding! Xena!"

  
  


**The End**


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